A Letter To Michael Gambon

Dear Sir Michael,

As you have evidently been too busy to read my screenplay "UNTITLED MICHAEL GAMBON PROJECT", I have sent some more ideas in handy snippet form instead. That way, when you take a break from crinkling your ancient brow and memorizing the complete works of Beckett (only joking - I'm sure you know it all off by heart already!), you can peruse a role and say "Hmm."

#1

Title: Fuck Yes, Prime Minister

Genre: Historical, Bromance

You are William Gladstone, four-time British prime minister and all round stern-as-fuck dude. You make rousing speeches that inspire old men and tiny orphans alike. You've got a big library, and you've read most of the books in the world. Oh, and you fell massive oak trees, for fun.


Larry David plays your zany rival, Benjamin Disraeli, the only Jewish PM to date. He's always winding you up in front of people with his goofy jokes: in parliament, bars, and racecourses.

However, when Queen Victoria is kidnapped by the French, or Germans, or H.G. Wells (not important), the two of you must set aside your differences for the good of the land. You throw off your smoking jackets, don your travelling cloaks and fuck shit up.


Steve Coogan has a few scenes as Prince Albert. At one point he fumbles his sword in a fight, but otherwise he's a bloody decent bloke.

#2

Title: The Baristacrats

Genre: Comedy, Hot Drinks

You are the lovably grumpy barrister Fleetwood Hand. In a moment of mistaken identity, you swap places with Hugh Laurie's lovably grumpy, appropriately-named barista, Coffee House. While you struggle to work the espresso machine at Caffè Nero, Coffee must defend a violent alcoholic on trial for a double homicide. Hilarity ensues. This one practically writes itself.

#3

Working Title: I'm A Cook And I Spoiled My Own Broth

Genre: Biopic, Cooking

This little gem's set in the future. You play a senile, bloated Sir Jamie Oliver (see what I did there). You've absolutely nailed the food stuff (no pun intended), progressing from 30-minute to 30-second meals. You are deemed a national treasure, and the avocado has been renamed the Jamie Oliver in your honour.

As you sit by the roaring fire in your castle, toasting organic crumpets, you think back to a less rosy time-that-was. Naturally that time would have to be some time between the future and right now; otherwise the film would mainly consist of you inventing the word "pukka" and weeping like a spoiled brat on Jamie's Food Revolution USA.


But why bloated? I hear you ask. Good question, Michael. Well, you'll have to read the script to find out more. We call that a "teaser" in the business.

The film will have a Dickensian feel.


#4

Title: Grandfather Time Out Of Mind

Genre: Sci Fi, Fast

It's time you leapt aboard the CGI train, mister. Thankfully I've got the perfect role to ease you in. You play a time-travelling cyborg, codename/real name: Grandfather Time. To give you that edgy time-travelling cyborg look, we'll digitally and seamlessly merge your face with that of a grandfather clock. If it worked for The Social Network, it can work twice as well for you.

#5

Title: Jaws V: This Time, The Flipper's On The Other Foot

Genre: Aquatic, Intense

As Spielberg has bollocksed up Indiana Jones and given up on Jurassic Park, perhaps he should revisit another franchise. How about Jaws...? And who better to take to the seas as the toothy great white than someone with your acting chops?

Set off the coast of Somalia (timely locale), you'll be eating both nasty pirates and humble fishermen. You couldn't give a shit who's who though - the joy of being a killer shark. After cowardly pirate king Cuba Gooding Jr. refuses to face you, the only man man enough to take you on is reckless surfer dude Carl, played by Road Trip-star Breckin Meyer. Only thing is, he's not surfing on a board... he's surfing on a... whale! That's right: topping off this splendid cast will be Dwayne 'The Artist Formerly Known As The Rock' Johnson, as Lenny the humpback whale.

Rest assured, this will be vintage Spielberg.

So there you are: five different roles to sink your teeth into. Do let me know well in advance when you're free to start makin' movies, as fares to Hollywood will undoubtedly be cheaper if booked early.

Your humble servant as always,

Jack