As we all know, poetry is for ponces. Even worse: posh ponces. Bleurgh. Fuck off. Etc. What I've done here is given poetry a downtrodden, masculine edge, by writing about two subjects close to the hearts of downtrodden, masculine people. Namely, job interviews and cab drivers. If you're scratching your head and saying, "Hang on, really?" then I'm afraid you're a posh ponce too. Sorry, "my son," but them's the breaks.
Stay tuned after these two poems for a deadly trio of one-liners.
Interview Suit Blues
Wore a suit to a job interview last week.
Nice cut; looked almost Italian,
Like Zen off the TV.
Matching belt and shoes,
I'd really gone all out,
Cufflinks with my shirt!
But what a fool was I...
From the moment I arrived,
I knew I was horribly,
Horribly overdressed.
You see, I'd worn a suit
To interview for the job
Of lifeguard
On a nudist beach.
(Incidentally, I can't even swim.)
Ode To An Angry Cabbie
The angry cabbie races by,
Shaking his wanker's fist.
The revellers respond with a chip fork salute -
Ironic of course.
The cabbie wishes he had chips.
He should have stopped off earlier.
He's going south of the river;
No chips there this time of night.
Beady eyes peering through fuzzy dice,
He knows his whole predicament
Speaks of something larger.
What a shame
His peasized right-wing brain
Can't work out what.
And as promised, said trio.
1. Bath salts? Bath assaults, more like.
2. "Sophistiliterature?" No, thought Bertrand, definitely not a real word. Fucking shame, though...
3. "Stone the crows!" chuckled Russell. The mob complied.
Tuesday 25 January 2011
Wednesday 19 January 2011
A Letter To Michael Gambon
Dear Sir Michael,
As you have evidently been too busy to read my screenplay "UNTITLED MICHAEL GAMBON PROJECT", I have sent some more ideas in handy snippet form instead. That way, when you take a break from crinkling your ancient brow and memorizing the complete works of Beckett (only joking - I'm sure you know it all off by heart already!), you can peruse a role and say "Hmm."
#1
Title: Fuck Yes, Prime Minister
Genre: Historical, Bromance
You are William Gladstone, four-time British prime minister and all round stern-as-fuck dude. You make rousing speeches that inspire old men and tiny orphans alike. You've got a big library, and you've read most of the books in the world. Oh, and you fell massive oak trees, for fun.
Larry David plays your zany rival, Benjamin Disraeli, the only Jewish PM to date. He's always winding you up in front of people with his goofy jokes: in parliament, bars, and racecourses.
However, when Queen Victoria is kidnapped by the French, or Germans, or H.G. Wells (not important), the two of you must set aside your differences for the good of the land. You throw off your smoking jackets, don your travelling cloaks and fuck shit up.
Steve Coogan has a few scenes as Prince Albert. At one point he fumbles his sword in a fight, but otherwise he's a bloody decent bloke.
#2
Title: The Baristacrats
Genre: Comedy, Hot Drinks
You are the lovably grumpy barrister Fleetwood Hand. In a moment of mistaken identity, you swap places with Hugh Laurie's lovably grumpy, appropriately-named barista, Coffee House. While you struggle to work the espresso machine at Caffè Nero, Coffee must defend a violent alcoholic on trial for a double homicide. Hilarity ensues. This one practically writes itself.
#3
Working Title: I'm A Cook And I Spoiled My Own Broth
Genre: Biopic, Cooking
This little gem's set in the future. You play a senile, bloated Sir Jamie Oliver (see what I did there). You've absolutely nailed the food stuff (no pun intended), progressing from 30-minute to 30-second meals. You are deemed a national treasure, and the avocado has been renamed the Jamie Oliver in your honour.
As you sit by the roaring fire in your castle, toasting organic crumpets, you think back to a less rosy time-that-was. Naturally that time would have to be some time between the future and right now; otherwise the film would mainly consist of you inventing the word "pukka" and weeping like a spoiled brat on Jamie's Food Revolution USA.
But why bloated? I hear you ask. Good question, Michael. Well, you'll have to read the script to find out more. We call that a "teaser" in the business.
The film will have a Dickensian feel.
#4
Title: Grandfather Time Out Of Mind
Genre: Sci Fi, Fast
It's time you leapt aboard the CGI train, mister. Thankfully I've got the perfect role to ease you in. You play a time-travelling cyborg, codename/real name: Grandfather Time. To give you that edgy time-travelling cyborg look, we'll digitally and seamlessly merge your face with that of a grandfather clock. If it worked for The Social Network, it can work twice as well for you.
Title: Jaws V: This Time, The Flipper's On The Other Foot
Genre: Aquatic, Intense
As Spielberg has bollocksed up Indiana Jones and given up on Jurassic Park, perhaps he should revisit another franchise. How about Jaws...? And who better to take to the seas as the toothy great white than someone with your acting chops?
Set off the coast of Somalia (timely locale), you'll be eating both nasty pirates and humble fishermen. You couldn't give a shit who's who though - the joy of being a killer shark. After cowardly pirate king Cuba Gooding Jr. refuses to face you, the only man man enough to take you on is reckless surfer dude Carl, played by Road Trip-star Breckin Meyer. Only thing is, he's not surfing on a board... he's surfing on a... whale! That's right: topping off this splendid cast will be Dwayne 'The Artist Formerly Known As The Rock' Johnson, as Lenny the humpback whale.
Rest assured, this will be vintage Spielberg.
As you have evidently been too busy to read my screenplay "UNTITLED MICHAEL GAMBON PROJECT", I have sent some more ideas in handy snippet form instead. That way, when you take a break from crinkling your ancient brow and memorizing the complete works of Beckett (only joking - I'm sure you know it all off by heart already!), you can peruse a role and say "Hmm."
#1
Title: Fuck Yes, Prime Minister
Genre: Historical, Bromance
You are William Gladstone, four-time British prime minister and all round stern-as-fuck dude. You make rousing speeches that inspire old men and tiny orphans alike. You've got a big library, and you've read most of the books in the world. Oh, and you fell massive oak trees, for fun.
Larry David plays your zany rival, Benjamin Disraeli, the only Jewish PM to date. He's always winding you up in front of people with his goofy jokes: in parliament, bars, and racecourses.
However, when Queen Victoria is kidnapped by the French, or Germans, or H.G. Wells (not important), the two of you must set aside your differences for the good of the land. You throw off your smoking jackets, don your travelling cloaks and fuck shit up.
Steve Coogan has a few scenes as Prince Albert. At one point he fumbles his sword in a fight, but otherwise he's a bloody decent bloke.
#2
Title: The Baristacrats
Genre: Comedy, Hot Drinks
You are the lovably grumpy barrister Fleetwood Hand. In a moment of mistaken identity, you swap places with Hugh Laurie's lovably grumpy, appropriately-named barista, Coffee House. While you struggle to work the espresso machine at Caffè Nero, Coffee must defend a violent alcoholic on trial for a double homicide. Hilarity ensues. This one practically writes itself.
#3
Working Title: I'm A Cook And I Spoiled My Own Broth
Genre: Biopic, Cooking
This little gem's set in the future. You play a senile, bloated Sir Jamie Oliver (see what I did there). You've absolutely nailed the food stuff (no pun intended), progressing from 30-minute to 30-second meals. You are deemed a national treasure, and the avocado has been renamed the Jamie Oliver in your honour.
As you sit by the roaring fire in your castle, toasting organic crumpets, you think back to a less rosy time-that-was. Naturally that time would have to be some time between the future and right now; otherwise the film would mainly consist of you inventing the word "pukka" and weeping like a spoiled brat on Jamie's Food Revolution USA.
But why bloated? I hear you ask. Good question, Michael. Well, you'll have to read the script to find out more. We call that a "teaser" in the business.
The film will have a Dickensian feel.
#4
Title: Grandfather Time Out Of Mind
Genre: Sci Fi, Fast
It's time you leapt aboard the CGI train, mister. Thankfully I've got the perfect role to ease you in. You play a time-travelling cyborg, codename/real name: Grandfather Time. To give you that edgy time-travelling cyborg look, we'll digitally and seamlessly merge your face with that of a grandfather clock. If it worked for The Social Network, it can work twice as well for you.
#5
Title: Jaws V: This Time, The Flipper's On The Other Foot
Genre: Aquatic, Intense
As Spielberg has bollocksed up Indiana Jones and given up on Jurassic Park, perhaps he should revisit another franchise. How about Jaws...? And who better to take to the seas as the toothy great white than someone with your acting chops?
Set off the coast of Somalia (timely locale), you'll be eating both nasty pirates and humble fishermen. You couldn't give a shit who's who though - the joy of being a killer shark. After cowardly pirate king Cuba Gooding Jr. refuses to face you, the only man man enough to take you on is reckless surfer dude Carl, played by Road Trip-star Breckin Meyer. Only thing is, he's not surfing on a board... he's surfing on a... whale! That's right: topping off this splendid cast will be Dwayne 'The Artist Formerly Known As The Rock' Johnson, as Lenny the humpback whale.
Rest assured, this will be vintage Spielberg.
So there you are: five different roles to sink your teeth into. Do let me know well in advance when you're free to start makin' movies, as fares to Hollywood will undoubtedly be cheaper if booked early.
Your humble servant as always,
Jack
Friday 14 January 2011
List #001. 18 Soldier Names For A Vietnam War Movie
Not saying I'm going to write one, but if I did, at least I'd have the fiddly naming people bit sorted.
Didn't bother with first names, because, as everyone knows, nobody had first names in 'Nam. Who wants to yell "Marcus!" across the battlefield when they could be yelling "Paintrain!"...? Exactly.
So:
Didn't bother with first names, because, as everyone knows, nobody had first names in 'Nam. Who wants to yell "Marcus!" across the battlefield when they could be yelling "Paintrain!"...? Exactly.
So:
- Ramirez
- Tex
- Rollo
- Wilde
- Junior
- Bolanski*
- Mendez
- Stink Eyes
- Goober
- Queenie
- Flint
- Lewkowski
- Milton
- King
- Bahama
- Lowry
- Doc
- Cain/Cane/Caine/Kane**
*A homage to scandalous auteur Roman Polanski and T. Rex frontman Marc Bolan? You decide.
**Not fussed about spelling.
Monday 10 January 2011
A Screenplay Idea For Sir Michael Gambon
This is the first scene of a screenplay. It's a biting satire - maybe - of theatre. It's about two writers who inadvertently create the best play ever written, and have to get Michael Gambon to star in it. A bit like Get Shorty - Get Gambon? On second thoughts, it's nothing like Get Shorty. Never mind. Give it a read, you'll get the picture.
Oh, and I would like Michael Gambon to star in it, so if anyone has his number please let me know.
Oh, and I would like Michael Gambon to star in it, so if anyone has his number please let me know.
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