List #003. New Year's Resolutions of a sensitive police detective

1. Need a catchphrase. Preferably something flexible, like "Eat lead salad." Could be changed to "Eat a lead bagel" for kosher suspects.
2. Appear on World's Craziest Police Chases. Murphy's been on it twice now, it's getting embarrassing...
3. Learn to like asparagus. You're a grown man, for God's sake.
4. Shake up the standard - and frankly unoriginal - donuts in the office routine. Maybe bring in pains au chocolat? Could even try and make Ferrero Rocher Friday a thing. I'll be spoiling them!
5. Having shot a bad guy, instead of biting back tears and muttering "He's in a better place now", pump your fist in the air and say something cool like "I sentence you to life... in Hell", or "Woo!"
6. Set a station fashion trend like Murphy's whole odd socks thing by growing a retro 70s cop moustache.
7. Stop partnering up with grizzled detectives on their "last case." It always turns into a massive stress.
8. Try corruption for at least a week. Everyone else does it; maybe you'll enjoy it! Never know if you don't try...
9. Invite the boys round for a movie marathon. Potential themes: Gangster films (ironic), classic Disney (everyone loves it), Werner Herzog documentaries (tough but very rewarding).
10. Create a more upbeat playlist for car chases. Simon and Garfunkel isn't cutting it.
11. Ask out Marie from the zoo. Stop being intimidated just because she's friends with the lions.
12. Boost confidence with women by practicing chat up lines on prostitutes in holding cells then asking them for feedback.
13. Start a Twitter account for the station. Try and make #justiceforall trend.
14. Stop clamming up when presented with deceased victims at crime scenes. Prepare five or six snappy one-liners in advance, such as "Looks like he caught the train to Dead Town" (work on this).
15. When quizzed by other cops, your favourite film is Bad Boys 2, not La Vie en Rose, even though, in your heart of hearts, you know Marion Cotillard's performance was pure poetry.

List #002. 15 Things to pack for an extended stay in a nuclear fallout shelter

With the rash of zombie plagues, nuclear meltdowns and alien invasions hoarding our screens these days, it would be pure folly not to prepare for the worst. If you're one of those who panic under pressure, fear not. Simply cut out (or print - probably easier) this list, complete with handy pictures, and use it as a guide in the hours preceding the End Of The World. I've limited it to 15 essential items; I don't know about you, but any more and I get very overwhelmed by the whole shopping experience.

NB. When I say 'extended stay' I'm thinking a year - two years max. No less. Maybe more. Look, I'm not a scientist, OK? At best I'm a post-apocalyptic party planner.

1. Toothbrush
   
   
   
   
2. iPod
   
   
   Don't even get me started on song selection. Yikes!
   
   
3. AA Batteries x10,000
   
   
   Is 10,000 too conservative? Excessive?
   
   
4. Glitterball
   
   
   
   Guy/girl's gotta have some fun!
   
   
5. Stick insect
   
   
   Need some form of companionship. Dog too high-maintenance.
   
   
6. Sharp stick 
   
   
   For fending off feral animals, mutated hillfolk, etc. Not to be confused with stick insect in heat of the moment.
   
   
7. Scrapbook
   
   
   
   Optimistic?
   
   
8. PJs x3
   
   
   
   As I'm never going out or seeing anyone, I can slob it up all day! Every cloud...
   
   
9. Suit
   
   
   
   Should bring the Sunday best for when I eventually go insane and marry the stick insect. Wedding dress or equivalent for women.
   
   
10. Maglite
    
    
    
    Big enough for a decent beam, but not so big you can't clamp it between your teeth whilst fiddling with things, like in cop shows.
    
    
11. Rubix cube
    
    
    
    Should take at least a year to figure out what the fuck's going on here.
    
    
12. Loo roll xLOTS
    
    
    
    It may sound obvious, but I always forget to bring it to a festival. Plus if you do catch sight of another human survivor you can dress up like a mummy and scare the shit out of them! Haha!
    
    
13. Books
    
    
    
    But which to bring?! Say I'm limited to ten. Do I bring the reliable classics, the well-read favourites, or branch out and pack that untouched pile on the bedside table? I've always meant to read some Margaret Atwood, but what if I bring one and it turns out to be shit? That's a tenth of my library down the pan...
    
    
14. Tiger skin rug
    
    
    
    Doesn't have to be a tiger - leopard, lion or panther will do. Any of the big cats, really.
    
    
15. Soup tins x1500
    
    
    
    Long expiration dates go without saying. Reeeeeally hope Covent Garden Soup are doing tins by then. Not that there's anything wrong with Heinz, I'm very partial to their cream of chicken, it's just a bit... samey after a while, is all I'm saying.
    
    
16. [Bonus] Comfy pillow
    
    
    
    I'm not remotely fussed about this, but it's a real deal breaker for some people. You know, the kind of people who can't possibly get to sleep without two enormous fluffy pillows and a king size all to themselves. Just wait til they're married to a stick insect - he/she won't stand for that selfish behaviour, I can tell you. Marriage is a partnership, and they'll find that out the hard way.

List #001. 18 Soldier Names For A Vietnam War Movie

Not saying I'm going to write one, but if I did, at least I'd have the fiddly naming people bit sorted.


Didn't bother with first names, because, as everyone knows, nobody had first names in 'Nam. Who wants to yell "Marcus!" across the battlefield when they could be yelling "Paintrain!"...? Exactly.


So:

1. Ramirez
2. Tex
3. Rollo
4. Wilde
5. Junior
6. Bolanski*
7. Mendez
8. Stink Eyes
9. Goober
10. Queenie
11. Flint
12. Lewkowski
13. Milton
14. King
15. Bahama
16. Lowry
17. Doc
18. Cain/Cane/Caine/Kane**

*A homage to scandalous auteur Roman Polanski and T. Rex frontman Marc Bolan? You decide.

**Not fussed about spelling.