List #003. New Year's Resolutions of a sensitive police detective

1. Need a catchphrase. Preferably something flexible, like "Eat lead salad." Could be changed to "Eat a lead bagel" for kosher suspects.
2. Appear on World's Craziest Police Chases. Murphy's been on it twice now, it's getting embarrassing...
3. Learn to like asparagus. You're a grown man, for God's sake.
4. Shake up the standard - and frankly unoriginal - donuts in the office routine. Maybe bring in pains au chocolat? Could even try and make Ferrero Rocher Friday a thing. I'll be spoiling them!
5. Having shot a bad guy, instead of biting back tears and muttering "He's in a better place now", pump your fist in the air and say something cool like "I sentence you to life... in Hell", or "Woo!"
6. Set a station fashion trend like Murphy's whole odd socks thing by growing a retro 70s cop moustache.
7. Stop partnering up with grizzled detectives on their "last case." It always turns into a massive stress.
8. Try corruption for at least a week. Everyone else does it; maybe you'll enjoy it! Never know if you don't try...
9. Invite the boys round for a movie marathon. Potential themes: Gangster films (ironic), classic Disney (everyone loves it), Werner Herzog documentaries (tough but very rewarding).
10. Create a more upbeat playlist for car chases. Simon and Garfunkel isn't cutting it.
11. Ask out Marie from the zoo. Stop being intimidated just because she's friends with the lions.
12. Boost confidence with women by practicing chat up lines on prostitutes in holding cells then asking them for feedback.
13. Start a Twitter account for the station. Try and make #justiceforall trend.
14. Stop clamming up when presented with deceased victims at crime scenes. Prepare five or six snappy one-liners in advance, such as "Looks like he caught the train to Dead Town" (work on this).
15. When quizzed by other cops, your favourite film is Bad Boys 2, not La Vie en Rose, even though, in your heart of hearts, you know Marion Cotillard's performance was pure poetry.

List #002. 15 Things to pack for an extended stay in a nuclear fallout shelter

With the rash of zombie plagues, nuclear meltdowns and alien invasions hoarding our screens these days, it would be pure folly not to prepare for the worst. If you're one of those who panic under pressure, fear not. Simply cut out (or print - probably easier) this list, complete with handy pictures, and use it as a guide in the hours preceding the End Of The World. I've limited it to 15 essential items; I don't know about you, but any more and I get very overwhelmed by the whole shopping experience.

NB. When I say 'extended stay' I'm thinking a year - two years max. No less. Maybe more. Look, I'm not a scientist, OK? At best I'm a post-apocalyptic party planner.

1. Toothbrush
   
   
   
   
2. iPod
   
   
   Don't even get me started on song selection. Yikes!
   
   
3. AA Batteries x10,000
   
   
   Is 10,000 too conservative? Excessive?
   
   
4. Glitterball
   
   
   
   Guy/girl's gotta have some fun!
   
   
5. Stick insect
   
   
   Need some form of companionship. Dog too high-maintenance.
   
   
6. Sharp stick 
   
   
   For fending off feral animals, mutated hillfolk, etc. Not to be confused with stick insect in heat of the moment.
   
   
7. Scrapbook
   
   
   
   Optimistic?
   
   
8. PJs x3
   
   
   
   As I'm never going out or seeing anyone, I can slob it up all day! Every cloud...
   
   
9. Suit
   
   
   
   Should bring the Sunday best for when I eventually go insane and marry the stick insect. Wedding dress or equivalent for women.
   
   
10. Maglite
    
    
    
    Big enough for a decent beam, but not so big you can't clamp it between your teeth whilst fiddling with things, like in cop shows.
    
    
11. Rubix cube
    
    
    
    Should take at least a year to figure out what the fuck's going on here.
    
    
12. Loo roll xLOTS
    
    
    
    It may sound obvious, but I always forget to bring it to a festival. Plus if you do catch sight of another human survivor you can dress up like a mummy and scare the shit out of them! Haha!
    
    
13. Books
    
    
    
    But which to bring?! Say I'm limited to ten. Do I bring the reliable classics, the well-read favourites, or branch out and pack that untouched pile on the bedside table? I've always meant to read some Margaret Atwood, but what if I bring one and it turns out to be shit? That's a tenth of my library down the pan...
    
    
14. Tiger skin rug
    
    
    
    Doesn't have to be a tiger - leopard, lion or panther will do. Any of the big cats, really.
    
    
15. Soup tins x1500
    
    
    
    Long expiration dates go without saying. Reeeeeally hope Covent Garden Soup are doing tins by then. Not that there's anything wrong with Heinz, I'm very partial to their cream of chicken, it's just a bit... samey after a while, is all I'm saying.
    
    
16. [Bonus] Comfy pillow
    
    
    
    I'm not remotely fussed about this, but it's a real deal breaker for some people. You know, the kind of people who can't possibly get to sleep without two enormous fluffy pillows and a king size all to themselves. Just wait til they're married to a stick insect - he/she won't stand for that selfish behaviour, I can tell you. Marriage is a partnership, and they'll find that out the hard way.

Poetry for the masses (that's you)

As we all know, poetry is for ponces. Even worse: posh ponces. Bleurgh. Fuck off. Etc. What I've done here is given poetry a downtrodden, masculine edge, by writing about two subjects close to the hearts of downtrodden, masculine people. Namely, job interviews and cab drivers. If you're scratching your head and saying, "Hang on, really?" then I'm afraid you're a posh ponce too. Sorry, "my son," but them's the breaks.

Stay tuned after these two poems for a deadly trio of one-liners.

Interview Suit Blues

Wore a suit to a job interview last week.
Nice cut; looked almost Italian,
Like Zen off the TV.
Matching belt and shoes,
I'd really gone all out,
Cufflinks with my shirt!
But what a fool was I...
From the moment I arrived,
I knew I was horribly,
Horribly overdressed.
You see, I'd worn a suit
To interview for the job
Of lifeguard
On a nudist beach.
(Incidentally, I can't even swim.)

Ode To An Angry Cabbie

The angry cabbie races by,
Shaking his wanker's fist.
The revellers respond with a chip fork salute -
Ironic of course.
The cabbie wishes he had chips.
He should have stopped off earlier.
He's going south of the river;
No chips there this time of night.
Beady eyes peering through fuzzy dice,
He knows his whole predicament
Speaks of something larger.
What a shame
His peasized right-wing brain
Can't work out what.

And as promised, said trio.

1. Bath salts? Bath assaults, more like.

2. "Sophistiliterature?" No, thought Bertrand, definitely not a real word. Fucking shame, though...

3. "Stone the crows!" chuckled Russell. The mob complied.

A Letter To Michael Gambon

Dear Sir Michael,

As you have evidently been too busy to read my screenplay "UNTITLED MICHAEL GAMBON PROJECT", I have sent some more ideas in handy snippet form instead. That way, when you take a break from crinkling your ancient brow and memorizing the complete works of Beckett (only joking - I'm sure you know it all off by heart already!), you can peruse a role and say "Hmm."

#1

Title: Fuck Yes, Prime Minister

Genre: Historical, Bromance

You are William Gladstone, four-time British prime minister and all round stern-as-fuck dude. You make rousing speeches that inspire old men and tiny orphans alike. You've got a big library, and you've read most of the books in the world. Oh, and you fell massive oak trees, for fun.


Larry David plays your zany rival, Benjamin Disraeli, the only Jewish PM to date. He's always winding you up in front of people with his goofy jokes: in parliament, bars, and racecourses.

However, when Queen Victoria is kidnapped by the French, or Germans, or H.G. Wells (not important), the two of you must set aside your differences for the good of the land. You throw off your smoking jackets, don your travelling cloaks and fuck shit up.


Steve Coogan has a few scenes as Prince Albert. At one point he fumbles his sword in a fight, but otherwise he's a bloody decent bloke.

#2

Title: The Baristacrats

Genre: Comedy, Hot Drinks

You are the lovably grumpy barrister Fleetwood Hand. In a moment of mistaken identity, you swap places with Hugh Laurie's lovably grumpy, appropriately-named barista, Coffee House. While you struggle to work the espresso machine at Caffè Nero, Coffee must defend a violent alcoholic on trial for a double homicide. Hilarity ensues. This one practically writes itself.

#3

Working Title: I'm A Cook And I Spoiled My Own Broth

Genre: Biopic, Cooking

This little gem's set in the future. You play a senile, bloated Sir Jamie Oliver (see what I did there). You've absolutely nailed the food stuff (no pun intended), progressing from 30-minute to 30-second meals. You are deemed a national treasure, and the avocado has been renamed the Jamie Oliver in your honour.

As you sit by the roaring fire in your castle, toasting organic crumpets, you think back to a less rosy time-that-was. Naturally that time would have to be some time between the future and right now; otherwise the film would mainly consist of you inventing the word "pukka" and weeping like a spoiled brat on Jamie's Food Revolution USA.


But why bloated? I hear you ask. Good question, Michael. Well, you'll have to read the script to find out more. We call that a "teaser" in the business.

The film will have a Dickensian feel.


#4

Title: Grandfather Time Out Of Mind

Genre: Sci Fi, Fast

It's time you leapt aboard the CGI train, mister. Thankfully I've got the perfect role to ease you in. You play a time-travelling cyborg, codename/real name: Grandfather Time. To give you that edgy time-travelling cyborg look, we'll digitally and seamlessly merge your face with that of a grandfather clock. If it worked for The Social Network, it can work twice as well for you.

#5

Title: Jaws V: This Time, The Flipper's On The Other Foot

Genre: Aquatic, Intense

As Spielberg has bollocksed up Indiana Jones and given up on Jurassic Park, perhaps he should revisit another franchise. How about Jaws...? And who better to take to the seas as the toothy great white than someone with your acting chops?

Set off the coast of Somalia (timely locale), you'll be eating both nasty pirates and humble fishermen. You couldn't give a shit who's who though - the joy of being a killer shark. After cowardly pirate king Cuba Gooding Jr. refuses to face you, the only man man enough to take you on is reckless surfer dude Carl, played by Road Trip-star Breckin Meyer. Only thing is, he's not surfing on a board... he's surfing on a... whale! That's right: topping off this splendid cast will be Dwayne 'The Artist Formerly Known As The Rock' Johnson, as Lenny the humpback whale.

Rest assured, this will be vintage Spielberg.

So there you are: five different roles to sink your teeth into. Do let me know well in advance when you're free to start makin' movies, as fares to Hollywood will undoubtedly be cheaper if booked early.

Your humble servant as always,

Jack

List #001. 18 Soldier Names For A Vietnam War Movie

Not saying I'm going to write one, but if I did, at least I'd have the fiddly naming people bit sorted.


Didn't bother with first names, because, as everyone knows, nobody had first names in 'Nam. Who wants to yell "Marcus!" across the battlefield when they could be yelling "Paintrain!"...? Exactly.


So:

1. Ramirez
2. Tex
3. Rollo
4. Wilde
5. Junior
6. Bolanski*
7. Mendez
8. Stink Eyes
9. Goober
10. Queenie
11. Flint
12. Lewkowski
13. Milton
14. King
15. Bahama
16. Lowry
17. Doc
18. Cain/Cane/Caine/Kane**

*A homage to scandalous auteur Roman Polanski and T. Rex frontman Marc Bolan? You decide.

**Not fussed about spelling.

A Screenplay Idea For Sir Michael Gambon

This is the first scene of a screenplay. It's a biting satire - maybe - of theatre. It's about two writers who inadvertently create the best play ever written, and have to get Michael Gambon to star in it. A bit like Get Shorty - Get Gambon? On second thoughts, it's nothing like Get Shorty. Never mind. Give it a read, you'll get the picture.


Oh, and I would like Michael Gambon to star in it, so if anyone has his number please let me know.